FUN AND GAMES WITH THE LITERARY GUILD
November 1988 to May 1989 Random House Inc/Doubleday Beware the Literary Guild my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch! If Lewis Carroll hadn't died in 1898, the second verse of his famed Jabberwocky poem might well have been written this way. In fact, he might have called it LITERGUILDAWOCKY.
In 1988, my wife was a member of the Literary Guild and in 1989 we were locked in
the jaws that bite, the claws that catch, and it took some literary battling to get free. Here's what happened.
I don't know how it is today, but in those days, apart from offering book selections, the Literary Guild also had occasional "special merchandise" offers with prices that sometimes looked attractive. We responded to one such offer for a five piece luggage set priced at $59.86, payable in three installments, which we thought was one heck of a deal. Until it arrived that is and we could see the reason for the price. $59.86 was all that it was worth - maybe not even that. It was not the kind of luggage that we would ever consider using and we shipped it back immediately, saying no thanks.
We got what we presumed to be an acknowledgment of the returned merchandise - a post card which read as follows:
Dear Mrs. Smith:
Thank you for your inquiry.
You will be glad to know that we have taken care of your request.
Please allow time for any necessary actions to be applied to your account.
Your patience and the opportunity to be of service are appreciated.
Sincerely,
Jennifer McHugh
I'm not sure why an item of returned merchandise would be referred to as an "inquiry" but we figured that this was just their own internal language. Behemoths often have ways of referring to things in a different language from the members of the great unwashed.. But then bills began to arrive. Even though we figured that they were the result of an internal mix up that might right itself without any assistance on our part, after a while, we thought we had better respond - just in case. We had dealt with Behemoths in the past.
(undated)
Dear Literary Guild;
This is getting silly.
The merchandise represented by "past due" installments was inferior and was returned to you within a day or so of receipt.
We assume that your acknowledgment of "your inquiry" (copy enclosed) was in response to this return, though how a company with "literary" in its name can equate "inquiry" with a return is beyond me.
"Debbie-My Life" was paid for 12/27/88. I can't help it if you take forever to deposit a check.
"Of Tears and Triumphs," written by my old friends, Bud and Georgia Photopolos, was paid January 9, 1989.
Please get your act together and stop sending us these silly notices or you'll lose a subscriber. As it is, many of your prices are easily beaten at discount chains, so it wouldn't take much for us to tell you goodbye
.The Smiths
P.S. A class act would list an 800 number to call!!!
In a rational world, you would think that our letter would elicit a polite response and an apology. Instead, it stirred the wrath of the Behemoth and brought the following;
February 1, 1989
Dear Mr. Smith:
As of the above date, your account shows a past due balance.
Please review the statement below. Should you have any questions about this bill, we would like to hear from you. You may write to the above address or call our Customer Service Center at 516-294-4000 between 7.30 a.m. and 9.00 p.m. Eastern time.
If the statement is accurate, we will expect to receive your payment within 10 days. Otherwise, a late fee of $2.00 will be charged to your account. Please remember that our policy requires payment upon receipt of your order.
If you recently mailed your payment, thank you. We value your membership.
Respectfully,
Ruth Shaw
Membership Secretary
And at the bottom of the letter was listed two books that we had bought and two "past due" installments for the inferior luggage that we had returned. Don't you just love the way they write these kinds of letters? "You lousy, dead beat bum. Pay up or we'll come to your house and kidnap your first born. But if you've already paid, thanks a heap. We really think you're great." Well, we didn't like being called lousy deadbeats and we responded to Ms. Shaw as follows;
February 14, 1989
Ruth Shaw
Membership Secretary
The Literary Guild
01 Franklin Avenue
Garden City, NY 11530
Re A/C #55 121 513570
Dear Ms. Shaw:
Read this very carefully.
The above listed account, in the name of Mrs. Sharon Smith is hereby canceled. Any future mail from your organization will be thrown away unopened. The reason for our cancellation is explained by the enclosed.We no longer wish to be irritated by your internal inefficiencies.
Jeff Smith
Do you think that put an end to this mess? Huh!! Instead, the Literary Guild took a leaf from MY literary book and sent the following.
IMPORTANT: READ CAREFULLY
February 28. 1989
Dear Mrs. Smith:
We have not received a response to our first letter concerning your past due balance. Consequently, a $2.00 late fee charge has been added to your bill. Should you have any questions regarding your bill, please contact us at the above address or call our Customer Service Center at 516-294-4000 between 7.30 a.m. and 9.00 p.m. Eastern Time.
If your payment was recently sent, please disregard this notice. Otherwise, mail your payment today.
Respectfully,
Paul Hagen
Credit Manager
Note that apart from stealing
my line about reading carefully, Mr. Hagen did
not say that he valued my membership, even though he seemed to be respectful with his signature.
I concluded that responding to his letter would most likely produce the same result as previous attempts of clarification - more letters from different departments of the Literary Guild, probably with increasing harshness of tone. I decided it was time to refer the issue to a higher authority and after a few inquiring phone calls, got the name of the
PRESIDENT of the whole ball of Literary Guild wax and penned the following:
March 7, 1989
James R. McLaughlin.
Doubleday & Company
501 Franklin
Garden City, NY 11530
Dear Mr. McLaughlin;
Re: a.c # 55 121 513570
I have been given to understand that you are of the humanoid persuasion, in contrast to the malfunctioning computers that are running the Book-of-the-Month division of your company.
As you can see from the enclosed, some of these malfunctioning machines have adopted human names - Jennifer McHugh, Ruth Shaw and Paul Hagen to name just three - and have conspired to use the mails to exceedingly annoy, a crime punishable in most states by permanent unplugging.
It has now cost me at least a couple of bucks to return the "special order" merchandise - 75 cents to send you three letters, the cost of a phone call to Garden City to get your name - and far too much of my valuable time, all because your computers have loose chips. And now there's a hint that a record is being created that is damaging to our credit history.
Please have some human attend to this. I'm not even amused at the Hagen computer's attempt at humor, acknowledging that I have canceled the account while compounding the reason for the cancellation. Indeed, I am getting angry and as Bill Bixby used to say before he changed into a green monster, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Cordially - at least for now,
Jeff Smith
That did it, right? I'd get a personal call from Mr. McLaughlin, a heartfelt apology and a package of six free books in the very next mail. In your dreams, unwashed reader. We're talking serious BEHEMOTH here.......
SERIOUSLY PAST DUE
March 30, 1989
Dear Mrs. Smith:
This is our third letter to you concerning your long overdue account.
We have tried to extend every courtesy and consideration to help you settle this debt. We must continue to assume that this debt is accurate and ask for your immediate payment.
If we do not receive your payment, stronger action will be taken which will affect your credit rating with a national credit reporting agency.
If payment has recently been sent, thank you.
Otherwise, send it today!
Paul Hagen
Credit Manager
I figured O.K. Every time I write a letter to the Literary Guild trying to straighten things out, it gets worse. It's like I say I enjoy listening to the baseball scores. They say green bananas are better at this time of the year. That's about the way it was. Trying to be
logical with the Literary Guild was like passing through the looking glass. I was Alice, Paul Hagen was the Jubjub Bird and James McLaughlin was the Frumious Bandersnatch. There was only one thing left to do so I did it. I did nothing!! And sure enough, a whole month passed and not a word. My new found strategy seemed to be working. But then......
CREDIT INDEX THE NATIONAL COMPUTER CREDIT FILE
May 1,1989
Sharon Smith
We have received notice from your creditor that your payment is long overdue. Unless you take action now to settle your account, information concerning this delinquency will be included in our national delinquent debtor file. Information from this file will be reported to any one of the credit granting firms using our service should they order a credit report on you.
The record of your delinquency will remain in our system for at least five years unless this debt is paid. Your credit file will show that you did not settle your $59.86 DEBT WITH THE LITERARY GUILD.
Enclose this letter, with payment in full today! Use the envelope provided. If the information stated is inaccurate, contact either your creditor or us, using this form for comments. Your creditor must notify us of any change in the status of your credit record. We strive to maintain accurate credit files and most valuable asset...your credit rating.
Sincerely Yours
Consumer Services Credit Index
After receiving that letter, I had to do some more detective work. I couldn't believe that these letters, demands and threats would continue to arrive after I'd written and explained everything so clearly to the PRESIDENT of the Literary Guild's parent company himself.
Unless....himself WASN'T himself!! Could I have been given a bum steer? (I kind of thought I had a touch of food poisoning after my last detecting foray). So.....
May 9, 1989
Mr. Robert Riger
President
Doubleday & Company
501 Franklin Avenue
Garden City, NY 11530
Dear Mr. Riger:
I have just had a conversation with someone in your personnel department who assures me that you are the president of Doubleday .
I'm not sure I can believe anything I hear from your company, because a month or so ago, one of your hirelings was assuring me that James McLaughlin was your president. But if the current information is true, you've got big problems. Your Literary Guild Computers have developed a serious disease. They are running the company as they see fit and have cut off ALL communication between your human employees and the general public.
The enclosed materials should be self explanatory. I have numbered them sequentially to make it even easier to understand. I should send you a bill for shipping costs, phone calls, postage, time wasted and sheer aggravation. I will settle for an apology from you and from the National Computer Credit File.
Cordially,
Jeff Smith
CC: Paul Hagen Credit Index
I put that letter in the mail and then sat down to wait for what I was pretty sure would be a continuation of the nasty letters demanding money and threatening to destroy my credit rating. But this time I was wrong. My letter was read by human eyes and, wonder of wonders, UNDERSTOOD, as demonstrated below:
MEMBER SERVICE CENTER
May 22,1989
Dear Mr. Smith:
Re: Mrs Sharon Smith
XXXXXX XXXXXX
LITERARY GUILD ACCOUNT # 55 121 513570
Your recent letter to Mr. Robert Riger has been referred to my attention. Thank you for writing.
I can appreciate both your anger and frustration at receiving billing statements for merchandise that has been returned. It is regrettable that this matter was not resolved much earlier, and we are sorry that you have had to contact us more than once concerning it.
The outstanding charge, $59.86, reflected a September 22, 1988 purchase of a FIVE-PIECE SET OF SASSON LUGGAGE. This merchandise cost $57.86; in time a $2.00 late fee was assessed, and the total balance due became $59.86.You wrote that the LUGGAGE had been returned. We, apparently, had no record of ever receiving it. The billing, therefore, continued.
You have my complete assurance that this charge has now been removed. Your account has been canceled and is now clear of all outstanding charges. Additionally, I have written to the Credit Index to remove your name, if listed, from their files. A copy of this letter is enclosed for your review. You may be assured that your credit rating is completely clear insofar as The Literary Guild is concerned.
We will be happy to reimburse you for all telephone calls and postage fees that you have incurred in trying to resolve this issue. I am enclosing a reply envelope addressed to a member of my staff, Mrs. Caterino. Just send us copies of your phone bills and an approximate sum for postage, and we'll refund this amount to you.
We regret that you were given some incorrect information about our Company recently. Our current President is Mr. Robert Riger, who joined us May 1st.
Mr. Smith, I can understand your disappointment with The Literary Guild. I fully agree that this matter should have been resolved much earlier, and I understand your strong feelings about cancellation of this membership. Our goal is to always please our members, both with goods and services. I regret that we fell short of the mark! We do offer a toll-free assistance number to our members. The number is 800-645-6140, and our lines are operational from 7:30 am to 9:00 pm Eastern Time. Any time that you have a concern or need assistance, please feel free to contact us.
We hope you will reconsider your decision as we would welcome the opportunity to serve you again.
Sincerely,
Russell Sacco
Manager,Membership Services
THE LITERARY GUILD
cc: Mr. Robert Riger
I swear that I've reproduced Mr. Sacco's letter exactly as written, punctuation, capitalization and syntax all as received. After all, the guy was finally getting the BEHEMOTH off my back. Why would I want him to look bad? He had already sent a copy to his new boss which I took to be a sign, either of great bravery or total idiocy. Then again, maybe English wasn't Robert Riger's native tongue...
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