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FUN AND GAMES WITH THE LITERARY GUILD
November 1988 to May 1989 Random House Inc/Doubleday Beware the Literary Guild my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch! If Lewis Carroll hadn't died in 1898, the second verse of his famed Jabberwocky poem might well have been written this way. In fact, he might have called it LITERGUILDAWOCKY. In 1988, my wife was a member of the Literary Guild and in 1989 we were locked in the jaws that bite, the claws that catch, and it took some literary battling to get free. Here's what happened. I don't know how it is today, but in those days, apart from offering book selections, the Literary Guild also had occasional "special merchandise" offers with prices that sometimes looked attractive. We responded to one such offer for a five piece luggage set priced at $59.86, payable in three installments, which we thought was one heck of a deal. Until it arrived that is and we could see the reason for the price. $59.86 was all that it was worth - maybe not even that. It was not the kind of luggage that we would ever consider using and we shipped it back immediately, saying no thanks. We got what we presumed to be an acknowledgment of the returned merchandise - a post card which read as follows:
Dear Mrs. Smith:
Thank you for your inquiry.
You will be glad to know that we have taken care of your request.
Please allow time for any necessary actions to be applied to your account.
Your patience and the opportunity to be of service are appreciated.
Sincerely,
Jennifer McHugh
I'm not sure why an item of returned merchandise would be referred to as an "inquiry" but we figured that this was just their own internal language. Behemoths often have ways of referring to things in a different language from the members of the great unwashed.. But then bills began to arrive. Even though we figured that they were the result of an internal mix up that might right itself without any assistance on our part, after a while, we thought we had better respond - just in case. We had dealt with Behemoths in the past.
(undated)
Dear Literary Guild;
This is getting silly.
The merchandise represented by "past due" installments was inferior and was returned to you within a day or so of receipt.
We assume that your acknowledgment of "your inquiry" (copy enclosed) was in response to this return, though how a company with "literary" in its name can equate "inquiry" with a return is beyond me.
"Debbie-My Life" was paid for 12/27/88. I can't help it if you take forever to deposit a check.
"Of Tears and Triumphs," written by my old friends, Bud and Georgia Photopolos, was paid January 9, 1989.
Please get your act together and stop sending us these silly notices or you'll lose a subscriber. As it is, many of your prices are easily beaten at discount chains, so it wouldn't take much for us to tell you goodbye
.The Smiths
P.S. A class act would list an 800 number to call!!!
In a rational world, you would think that our letter would elicit a polite response and an apology. Instead, it stirred the wrath of the Behemoth and brought the following;
February 1, 1989
Dear Mr. Smith:
As of the above date, your account shows a past due balance.
Please review the statement below. Should you have any questions about this bill, we would like to hear from you. You may write to the above address or call our Customer Service Center at 516-294-4000 between 7.30 a.m. and 9.00 p.m. Eastern time.
If the statement is accurate, we will expect to receive your payment within 10 days. Otherwise, a late fee of $2.00 will be charged to your account. Please remember that our policy requires payment upon receipt of your order.
If you recently mailed your payment, thank you. We value your membership.
Respectfully,
Ruth Shaw
Membership Secretary
And at the bottom of the letter was listed two books that we had bought and two "past due" installments for the inferior luggage that we had returned. Don't you just love the way they write these kinds of letters? "You lousy, dead beat bum. Pay up or we'll come to your house and kidnap your first born. But if you've already paid, thanks a heap. We really think you're great." Well, we didn't like being called lousy deadbeats and we responded to Ms. Shaw as follows;
February 14, 1989
Ruth Shaw
Membership Secretary
The Literary Guild
01 Franklin Avenue
Garden City, NY 11530
Re A/C #55 121 513570
Dear Ms. Shaw:
Read this very carefully.
The above listed account, in the name of Mrs. Sharon Smith is hereby canceled. Any future mail from your organization will be thrown away unopened. The reason for our cancellation is explained by the enclosed.We no longer wish to be irritated by your internal inefficiencies.
Jeff Smith
Do you think that put an end to this mess? Huh!! Instead, the Literary Guild took a leaf from MY literary book and sent the following.
IMPORTANT: READ CAREFULLY
February 28. 1989
Dear Mrs. Smith:
We have not received a response to our first letter concerning your past due balance. Consequently, a $2.00 late fee charge has been added to your bill. Should you have any questions regarding your bill, please contact us at the above address or call our Customer Service Center at 516-294-4000 between 7.30 a.m. and 9.00 p.m. Eastern Time.
If your payment was recently sent, please disregard this notice. Otherwise, mail your payment today.
Respectfully,
Paul Hagen
Credit Manager
Note that apart from stealing my line about reading carefully, Mr. Hagen did not say that he valued my membership, even though he seemed to be respectful with his signature. I concluded that responding to his letter would most likely produce the same result as previous attempts of clarification - more letters from different departments of the Literary Guild, probably with increasing harshness of tone. I decided it was time to refer the issue to a higher authority and after a few inquiring phone calls, got the name of the PRESIDENT of the whole ball of Literary Guild wax and penned the following:
March 7, 1989
James R. McLaughlin.
Doubleday & Company
501 Franklin
Garden City, NY 11530
Dear Mr. McLaughlin;
Re: a.c # 55 121 513570
I have been given to understand that you are of the humanoid persuasion, in contrast to the malfunctioning computers that are running the Book-of-the-Month division of your company.
As you can see from the enclosed, some of these malfunctioning machines have adopted human names - Jennifer McHugh, Ruth Shaw and Paul Hagen to name just three - and have conspired to use the mails to exceedingly annoy, a crime punishable in most states by permanent unplugging.
It has now cost me at least a couple of bucks to return the "special order" merchandise - 75 cents to send you three letters, the cost of a phone call to Garden City to get your name - and far too much of my valuable time, all because your computers have loose chips. And now there's a hint that a record is being created that is damaging to our credit history.
Please have some human attend to this. I'm not even amused at the Hagen computer's attempt at humor, acknowledging that I have canceled the account while compounding the reason for the cancellation. Indeed, I am getting angry and as Bill Bixby used to say before he changed into a green monster, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Cordially - at least for now,
Jeff Smith
That did it, right? I'd get a personal call from Mr. McLaughlin, a heartfelt apology and a package of six free books in the very next mail. In your dreams, unwashed reader. We're talking serious BEHEMOTH here.......
SERIOUSLY PAST DUE
March 30, 1989
Dear Mrs. Smith:
This is our third letter to you concerning your long overdue account.
We have tried to extend every courtesy and consideration to help you settle this debt. We must continue to assume that this debt is accurate and ask for your immediate payment.
If we do not receive your payment, stronger action will be taken which will affect your credit rating with a national credit reporting agency.
If payment has recently been sent, thank you.
Otherwise, send it today!
Paul Hagen
Credit Manager
I figured O.K. Every time I write a letter to the Literary Guild trying to straighten things out, it gets worse. It's like I say I enjoy listening to the baseball scores. They say green bananas are better at this time of the year. That's about the way it was. Trying to be logical with the Literary Guild was like passing through the looking glass. I was Alice, Paul Hagen was the Jubjub Bird and James McLaughlin was the Frumious Bandersnatch. There was only one thing left to do so I did it. I did nothing!! And sure enough, a whole month passed and not a word. My new found strategy seemed to be working. But then......
CREDIT INDEX THE NATIONAL COMPUTER CREDIT FILE
May 1,1989
Sharon Smith
We have received notice from your creditor that your payment is long overdue. Unless you take action now to settle your account, information concerning this delinquency will be included in our national delinquent debtor file. Information from this file will be reported to any one of the credit granting firms using our service should they order a credit report on you.
The record of your delinquency will remain in our system for at least five years unless this debt is paid. Your credit file will show that you did not settle your $59.86 DEBT WITH THE LITERARY GUILD.
Enclose this letter, with payment in full today! Use the envelope provided. If the information stated is inaccurate, contact either your creditor or us, using this form for comments. Your creditor must notify us of any change in the status of your credit record. We strive to maintain accurate credit files and most valuable asset...your credit rating.
Sincerely Yours
Consumer Services Credit Index
After receiving that letter, I had to do some more detective work. I couldn't believe that these letters, demands and threats would continue to arrive after I'd written and explained everything so clearly to the PRESIDENT of the Literary Guild's parent company himself. Unless....himself WASN'T himself!! Could I have been given a bum steer? (I kind of thought I had a touch of food poisoning after my last detecting foray). So.....
May 9, 1989
Mr. Robert Riger
President
Doubleday & Company
501 Franklin Avenue
Garden City, NY 11530
Dear Mr. Riger:
I have just had a conversation with someone in your personnel department who assures me that you are the president of Doubleday .
I'm not sure I can believe anything I hear from your company, because a month or so ago, one of your hirelings was assuring me that James McLaughlin was your president. But if the current information is true, you've got big problems. Your Literary Guild Computers have developed a serious disease. They are running the company as they see fit and have cut off ALL communication between your human employees and the general public.
The enclosed materials should be self explanatory. I have numbered them sequentially to make it even easier to understand. I should send you a bill for shipping costs, phone calls, postage, time wasted and sheer aggravation. I will settle for an apology from you and from the National Computer Credit File.
Cordially,
Jeff Smith
CC: Paul Hagen Credit Index
I put that letter in the mail and then sat down to wait for what I was pretty sure would be a continuation of the nasty letters demanding money and threatening to destroy my credit rating. But this time I was wrong. My letter was read by human eyes and, wonder of wonders, UNDERSTOOD, as demonstrated below:
MEMBER SERVICE CENTER
May 22,1989
Dear Mr. Smith:
Re: Mrs Sharon Smith
XXXXXX XXXXXX
LITERARY GUILD ACCOUNT # 55 121 513570
Your recent letter to Mr. Robert Riger has been referred to my attention. Thank you for writing.
I can appreciate both your anger and frustration at receiving billing statements for merchandise that has been returned. It is regrettable that this matter was not resolved much earlier, and we are sorry that you have had to contact us more than once concerning it.
The outstanding charge, $59.86, reflected a September 22, 1988 purchase of a FIVE-PIECE SET OF SASSON LUGGAGE. This merchandise cost $57.86; in time a $2.00 late fee was assessed, and the total balance due became $59.86.You wrote that the LUGGAGE had been returned. We, apparently, had no record of ever receiving it. The billing, therefore, continued.
You have my complete assurance that this charge has now been removed. Your account has been canceled and is now clear of all outstanding charges. Additionally, I have written to the Credit Index to remove your name, if listed, from their files. A copy of this letter is enclosed for your review. You may be assured that your credit rating is completely clear insofar as The Literary Guild is concerned.
We will be happy to reimburse you for all telephone calls and postage fees that you have incurred in trying to resolve this issue. I am enclosing a reply envelope addressed to a member of my staff, Mrs. Caterino. Just send us copies of your phone bills and an approximate sum for postage, and we'll refund this amount to you.
We regret that you were given some incorrect information about our Company recently. Our current President is Mr. Robert Riger, who joined us May 1st.
Mr. Smith, I can understand your disappointment with The Literary Guild. I fully agree that this matter should have been resolved much earlier, and I understand your strong feelings about cancellation of this membership. Our goal is to always please our members, both with goods and services. I regret that we fell short of the mark! We do offer a toll-free assistance number to our members. The number is 800-645-6140, and our lines are operational from 7:30 am to 9:00 pm Eastern Time. Any time that you have a concern or need assistance, please feel free to contact us.
We hope you will reconsider your decision as we would welcome the opportunity to serve you again.
Sincerely,
Russell Sacco
Manager,Membership Services
THE LITERARY GUILD
cc: Mr. Robert Riger
I swear that I've reproduced Mr. Sacco's letter exactly as written, punctuation, capitalization and syntax all as received. After all, the guy was finally getting the BEHEMOTH off my back. Why would I want him to look bad? He had already sent a copy to his new boss which I took to be a sign, either of great bravery or total idiocy. Then again, maybe English wasn't Robert Riger's native tongue...
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posted by JJ at
HERZOPOLY
September 1974 to January, 1975
THE HERTZ CORPORATION/ AMERICAN EXPRESS/ DINERS CLUBIt was back in the nineteen seventies when I first began to collect and catalogue my own records of battles with behemoths. I had had earlier run ins with large corporations and with various branches of government, but it was an experience in 1974 that started me down the road that ultimately led to the collection in this book, a collection of stories and correspondence that I believe can be considered as a new and serious literary genre. This next BATTLE was actually more fun than a battle and because of that I decided to incorporate the back and forth correspondence with the involved company into what I thought was a pretty humorous article in which I attributed all of the problems to a mythical disease. I actually made one attempt to get the piece published but it was rejected and I gave up. After all, back then the purpose of the battle wasn't to create something for publication and I was in no mood to get a series of rejection letters after enjoying the triumph of beating the Hertz corporation to its knees - or would that be tires?? But I guess I have the last laugh. This is my book and I can publish anything I like So there!!! All of the correspondence from this particular behemoth is reproduced exactly as received, so if you notice strange syntax and spelling, strange punctuation and dates with the DAY before the MONTH, that's the way the letters came. I call this adventure....... CONFESSIONS OF A HERTZOPHOBIACI don't usually pay a great deal of attention to the business section of my newspaper, but back in the early seventies, there was a period of time when it got more of my attention than almost any other section. That was because I was looking for news about Allegis Corporation - the old United Airlines. Allegis had a new management team and there had been a lot of talk about breaking up the company and selling off some of its divisions. One of those divisions was HERTZ and I figured if Hertz could get some new owners, maybe they could find a cure for HERTZOPHOBIA. (HZP) For those of you not up on the medical literature, HERTZOPHOBIA is a rare allergic disorder that afflicts a handful of people - maybe one thousandth of one percent of the world's population. Because so few people catch it, it's one of those orphan diseases. The drug companies couldn't care less about finding a miracle pill - not when the world market is probably less than a thousand pills a year. Likewise, you'll never see Jerry Lewis doing a telethon for HERTZOPHOBIA - which may be the only GOOD thing you can say about the disease. Not much is known about the etiology of HZP, but it's believed to be caused by the hiccup of the Japanese Microchip (CHIPUS SAYONARUS) and exposure comes through the use of any credit card to rent a Hertz car anywhere in the world. The symptoms vary from patient to patient and can include such things as whispers in the back of the head, itchy fingers and raised neck hackles. Some victims have one or more of these particular symptoms. Some have none. But all victims suffer from two major symptoms. One is the receipt of strange letters from the Hertz corporation following the rental of a Hertz car. A lot of healthy people also get this symptom but are protected by their natural immunity to CHIPUS SAYONARUS). (If they weren't, we'd be in the throes of a world wide epidemic . Jerry Lewis would be conducting telethons and Nancy Reagan would be appearing in "just say no to Hertz" commercials). But it's the second major symptom that truly marks a victim of HERTZOPHOBIA - the irresistible compulsion to SEND letters TO Hertz. Once this symptom is first experienced, the disease is confirmed. It can be controlled by avoiding CHIPUS SAYONARUS and this can be accomplished merely by staying away from Hertz offices. But true victims CAN'T stay away indefinitely, and for them, HERTZOPHOBIA is a lifetime disease. From everything I know about the subject, I have a classic case. A few years ago, I was on vacation in England. I'd had a check up just before I left, so I knew I was susceptible to something called CHIPUS SAYONARUS, but I really didn't understand it and by the time my plane landed at Heathrow airport, I'd completely forgotten about it. My brother was living in the lovely old city of Bristol at that time and I was visiting with him when I hit upon the idea of doing some solo touring. After all, Bristol is just a few miles from southern Wales, and no more than a stone's throw from the ancient Roman town of Bath, a MUST for any visit to the west of England. Without giving as much as a second thought to the potential dangers of driving on the wrong side of the road or trying to figure out the PURPOSE of roundabouts, I wandered into the local Hertz office and picked up what they had available - a little stick shift with five or six on the floor. To this day I can't remember how many gears that monster had. I DO remember, in horrifying detail, the nightmare of driving the little beast from the Hertz office to my brother's house - a distance of maybe three miles. I don't think I ever got it out of second gear - but it's hard to tell because I was never able to figure out which gear was which. I know I spent about half the time on the wrong (right) side of the road and was responsible for at least a dozen near crashes and probably one or two mini strokes. At any rate, about thirty seconds after arriving at my brother's house, I was on the 'phone to Hertz, telling them they could pick up their blankety blank car and dump it in the English channel as far as I was concerned. I must say it gladdened my heart when a female Hertz operative arrived with an automatic shift replacement, shaking all over and pale as an English ghost. (The operative, not the car). Apparently, her only driving experience has been with a stick shift and even though she was accustomed to driving on the wrong side of the road, the experience of hitting the brake and flipping on the turn signal every time she felt the need to change gear, had totally unnerved her. At the time, I thought that her consternation was no more than an appropriate quid pro quo for what Hertz had inflicted upon me and I was smiling by the time she pulled away in the multiple geared monster. The rest of my vacation was uneventful. With the unfathomable gears out of the way, it took only a couple of hours to get used to driving on the wrong side of the road and after a couple of days I even began to enjoy it. Little did I know that somewhere, CHIPUS SAYONARUS had already hiccuped. About a week after I got back home, I received an invoice from Hertz of Bristol, England in the amount of 46 pounds and 55 pence. Since I'd charged the car rental to Diners Club, I assumed it was some sort of confirmation of the charge amount - a friendly, typically English gesture - so I threw it away. Looking back, I know my doctor had told me about the onset of HZP, but at the time, I didn't recognize the invoice as anything but an invoice. If I'd known it was an early symptom, I would have sought immediate therapy. I was none the wiser a month or so later when I received more mail from Hertz of England. This time, it was from Hertz Customer Accounts and read as follows:,
Dear Sir:
This letter is to let you know that your account is overdue - payment was due within ten days of the invoice date.
You have therefore exceeded our terms of credit and we must now insist on immediate payment
If you have not made payment because you have queries concerning this account, please telephone our Customer Accountants who will answer them. The number is 01-672-0011.Payments received after the date of this reminder are not taken into account, therefore if a remittance has been forwarded please accept our thanks
Yours faithfully,
HERTZ RENT A CAR
Customer Accounts Department
Still not recognizing the onset of a serious disease, I immediately penned a reply:
Dear Customer Accounts:
Re the attached reminder of a "past due" rental bill, this was charged to my Diner's Club card as the rental agreement, also attached, clearly shows.
Please adjust your records.
Cordially,
By the end of the month, Hertz wrote again:
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your note which we received recently
.Your account was not originally billed to Diners due to an error in this office, arrangements are now being made to do this. Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience caused.
The charges are as follows:
· 4 days at 5.25 21.00
· 240 miles at 0.05 12.00
· Collision damage waver 4.00
· VAT 10% of 37.00 3.70
· Personal and baggage insurance 2.00
· Petrol 3.85
· Total 46.55
Yours Faithfully
HERTZ RENT A CAR
A. Humberstone
International Department
Naturally, I thought that was the end of it. My reading habits were more inclined to Esquire than to the Journal of Hertzophobic Diseases, so I really didn't know what was happening. I was still relatively unconcerned when the next letter arrived, although a small voice was beginning to whisper somewhere in the back of my head. (In early research on HZP, this was often cited as the earliest known symptom of the disease). This one was from Hertz Central Billing and had a certain note of familiarity to it. It puzzled me for a while, but then I realized what it was. All of the letters were coming from different departments at the same floor of the same building - a place called Lyon Tower in London. This letter read as follows:
Dear Sir:
Re: Rental Agreement 4461939
Please find attached the above rental agreement, which you requested to be billed to your American Express account.( Author's note: This was another unrecognized symptom. The substitution of American express for Diners Club raised hackles on the back of my neck, very close to the spot where I was hearing whispers).
Unfortunately, the account number quoted is incorrect, therefore, we would appreciate it if you would pay this invoice direct to our company.
Please accept our apologies for the delay in billing this invoice and for any inconvenience that you have been caused.
Yours Faithfully,
HERTZ RENT A CAR
C. Ferry
CENTRAL BILLING
I had to see my doctor around the time the CENTRAL BILLING letter arrived, so I told him what had been going on. He ran a couple of quick tests and then broke the news that I had a definite case of HZP, but it was still in an early stage. He told me to try to stay away from typewriters. (This was years before I had a personal computer). Anyway, I tried hard, but it didn't work. I was able to exercise SOME measure of control though. I started several letters to CENTRAL BILLING but was able to stop before the end of the second paragraph. My wife has great instincts and she kept insisting that this was a very good sign....that if I worked at it, I could beat this thing. She urged me to take it one day at a time...to try stopping in the MIDDLE of the second paragraph... then at the end of paragraph one and so on. By the end of the month, I had gone four days without much more than Dear Central Billing and I was beginning to feel pretty confident. Then NOTICE OF INTENTcame from LEGAL MANAGER. Experts in the HZP syndrome believe that there is a stage in the disease where the patient is, so to speak, on the cusp. Basically, it is at the point I had already reached - a four day period with no more than a salutation in response to a provocative stimulus. It is possible, they say, to BEAT the disease at this point, even in the face of additional stimuli... unless.. and this was my downfall, the stimuli are written in RED. (As I said, my wife has great instincts but she's no medical expert). If the stimuli are written in RED, you are, to use the technical term, a goner. NOTICE OF INTENT was not just in RED. It was in BLOOD RED, and read (no pun intended) as follows:
Dear Sir:
Your account has been passed to my Department for legal action against you in view of your failure to respond to previous reminders sent to you.
Since you are in breach of contract I must consider the issue of a summons against you through the appropriate Court for the full amount shown. I will however not instruct the Court for a further seven days to enable you to settle the account within this period.
If you are the holder of a Hertz Credit Card this will be cancelled and your privileges withdrawn.
Yours Faithfully,
HERTZ RENT A CAR
Legal Manager
It was only in later years that I was able to understand the nature of my reaction to this particular stimulus. The letter was not only written in RED but was totally without commas and dotted with random capitalization. Stronger men than I have been broken by such an onslaught. In the annals of HZP literature, there is a case history of a near presidential candidate who became involved in a Visa/Master Card/Hertz of Washington DC triangle. Just days before he planned to announce, he received, in a single mail delivery, THREE RED letters. Within a week he had resigned from the Senate, rather than face impeachment charges for improper use of a government word processor. In three months, he had divorced his wife, sold his home, and moved from Georgetown to a beach hut in San Diego. When his funds finally ran out, he took to mugging old age pensioners to feed his three ream and two ribbon a day habit, and at last report was serving ninety days for assaulting a Xerox machine in a Post Office lobby. I was luckier, but my wife tells me she had to use a twelve inch screwdriver and a pint of paint thinner to remove my fingers from the keys of my IBM Selectric. By that time, I had already written the following in quadruplicate:
Dear Ferry, Humberstone, Customer Accounts and Legal Manager:
I suppose you're wondering why I called this meeting.
The fact is that I have heard, on very good authority, that jolly old England is about to declare bankruptcy. Something to do with horribly fouled up management I believe. Well, being an anglophile from way back, I just can't allow this to happen. So, despite the expense of postage, Xerox copies and the use of my valuable time, I'm going to show you how a little get together like this can help straighten out the most complex problems. You can then pass the technique along to your fellow countrymen, and before long, if they apply these principles faithfully, you should be out of the woods. Who knows - with perseverance, you may one day regain your former glory and be able to sit on your porches drinking warm beer and contemplating the rising and setting of the sun on all your far flung points of influence around the world.
So students... let us begin.
Once upon a time - last summer in fact - I arrived in the mother country for a pleasant three week vacation. (It really was quite enjoyable despite the spine chilling experience of eating at restaurants THAT DID NOT SERVE TEA!! Can you imagine that??) Anyhow, in the course of my travels, I happened upon the sleepy little town of Bristol. Actually, I didn't "happen" on it at all. My brother lives there and naturally, I came to visit. Fortunately, my brother has his own car - or he might be writing this letter.
But I digress. In the course of my stay, I decided that I would like to have my own transportation. Naturally, I decided to turn to Hertz. After all, the name is even becoming known over here in the colonies. So, after consulting the trusty Bristol telephone directory, I appeared in person at the local Hertz office and told the nice people there of my needs. Well, just as quickly as you can recite Harold Wilson's Swiss Bank Account number, they had the answer. A neat little job with two wheels in the front and an equal number in the back.
Then... and read carefully now, this is the critical point.. they filled out a rental contract (exhibit 1) and asked for a credit card. I've never been one of those pushy Americans you know, so I gave them the old World War 11 G.I. act. I held out a handful of cards and asked them to make their own selection. I must say I was not unpleased when they selected Diners Club. It is, after all, an old established firm.
Everything seemed to be going well until several weeks after my return home. (In the interim, I had cited the swift efficiency of this transaction to many of my pessimistic friends who were convinced that England was finished as an economic power. How could that be, I asked them, with such sterling organizations as Hertz U.K. at the heart of the old country's economy? And of course, they had no answer). But then, oh horror of horrors, the mail began to arrive. First, exhibit 11 from old Customer Accounts. I thought perhaps that old C.A. was a disgruntled Conservative voter who was trying to throw a few spokes into your smoothly turning wheel, so I penned a polite reply, and sure enough, I got this nice response (exhibit 111) from old Alison Humberstone... (nice to hear from you Alison - how's the family??)... and my mind was at rest.
But then the Chicago Bears lost two games in a row and I knew things were going to get worse. (That's a football team. American football. A most uncivilized game).I was right of course. A few days ago, I got Mrs. Ferry's note, exhibit 1V. What puzzles me is that Mrs. Ferry and dear old Alison are both on the same floor there at Lyon Tower. Don't you two speak to each other - or is it that you have different social backgrounds? By golly, during the great war, members of the peerage used to drink tea with the local greengrocers and publicans when they were all huddled together in the same shelter. Come on people. Try to get that spirit back.
Anyway, after Mrs. Ferry's letter, the Bears lost two more games.. (they are having an AWFUL season) and so I wasn't surprised to hear from Legal Manager,( exhibit V).Well, that's my story friends. Now let's all try for a happy ending. (Pay attention now. This is my contribution to your climb back to your former glory).
The secret is COMMUNICATION. Maybe, as I mentioned above, your respective upbringings prevent you from doing this, but under the freedoms provided by our constitution, I am not so inhibited. So... Ferry, meet Humberstone. Humberstone, meet Customer Accounts. Customer Accounts, I'd like you to know Legal Manager. Legal Manager, may I present Ferry, Humberstone and Customer Accounts. Well, I'm sure you get the idea.
(Good Lord, I'm beginning to see double. Please turn to page three immediately. Let me see.. are there two Ferrystones and one Custom Humber or two Legals and a double scotch?)Whew!! That's better. I was getting dizzy.
Well friends, I do hope this solves the problem - and perhaps marks the beginning of a lasting friendship between the four of you.
I'm sure the folks at Diners will be happy to pay this bill as we had originally arranged back there in the Bristol summer. You must remember though - Diners and American Express are RIVAL companies. It's good of you to try to save me money Mrs. Ferry, but I use both companies and I wouldn't want either one to get mad at me.
Well, I really must close now. I do hope this won't put an end to our new found friendship. Please write whenever you get a moment. If you have any recent snapshots, I'd love to get them.
Fondly
Jeff SmithJS:s
ENCLOSURES Exhibits 1,11,111,1V & V
CC: Avis International
David Frost
The entire family ofDick Burton's ex wives and lovers
My suffering brother Two months passed. The Maple trees outside my house laid a carpet of golden leaves on the front lawn and flecks of snow heralded the coming of winter and another year... and of course, more mail from Hertz.
Dear Mr. Smith:
Re: Invoice No. 4461939
Thank you for your letter of November 20, which brightened our normal boring day. The above account has now finally been billed to your Diners Club account.
Please accept our sincere apologies for any inconvenience you have been caused concerning the delay.
Yours Sincerely,
HERTZ RENT A CARL.
J. Rose (Mrs.)
CUSTOMER ACCOUNTS
I have an accountant who tells me that it is best to save copies of Federal tax returns for at least three years. I had been thinking of reducing my collection of credit cards and Diners Club was scheduled to go. But I used the Federal standards as a guide line and hung onto it for MORE than three years, hoping against hope that Hertz U.K. and 46.55 (pounds) would show up. It never did. And the letters from Hertz stopped coming I stayed away from Hertz offices after that. My doctor said that until a vaccine for HZP is found, abstinence is the only thing that will work. But you know how it is. You abstain long enough and you get disgustingly healthy - so much so that you forget what it is you're abstaining for. And you get careless..... About a month ago, I had to spend a few days in a small Kansas town. To get there, I flew to Kansas City, unthinkingly rented a car from Hertz and drove 250 miles. It was a pleasant trip, but a few days after I got home, I noticed the unmistakable symptoms of increased anxiety, raised hackles on the back of my neck, whispers in the back of my head and itchy fingers. I readily attributed it to the fact that I had recently rented a Hertz car and had charged it to my American Express card, but I could recall neither a hitch nor a glitch in the transaction and told myself that the uneasy feeling would pass. When it didn't, I bit the bullet and dug out my copy of the rental contract. I think I knew I would find something, but I needed absolute confirmation. And there it was. A charge of some $36 had NOT been added to the total. Now I owed Hertz $36 by way of American Express and 46.55 English pounds by way of Diners Club and/or American Express. I've been sitting at the typewriter trying to fight this thing. My wife keeps telling me that there may be an announcement from Allegis any day now. She's pleading with me to at least wait for the American Express bill to arrive before writing to Kansas City. Poor woman. She's forgotten LEGAL MANAGER'S RED LETTER. There is no cure. To heck with Allegis. To heck with Kansas City
Dear Customer Accounts:
You'll never guess what's been happening to me since I was last in England.....
My brother thought a better name for this experience was HERTZOPOLY.. a non registered trade name that can only be played by Jeff Smith, his older brother, the Hertz Corporation and either Diners Club or American Express. (Since neither Smith brother currently use the game's original credit card companies, Visa and Master Card may be substituted). The game has only two rules. 1. A credit card foul up must be instigated by a Hertz office somewhere in the U.K. or somewhere in Kansas 2. The foul up must remain forever unresolved. Any method of play is allowed. It is strictly up to the players. In the above example, the method chosen is the exchange of meaningless correspondence
HOME
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ABOUT THE AUTHORActually, it would be more accurate to describe me as a budding author because although I've done some writing, this is my first attempt to put together a "real" book In the past however, I've been a television producer and director, a producer, writer and distributor of numerous nationally syndicated radio programs, a producer and distributor of medical news and educational programs on audio cassette, a host/writer/producer of slide films, and a writer, producer and narrator of children's coloring books and tapes. I am acknowledged to be the originator of widely distributed medical audio tape programs sponsored by pharmaceutical commercial messages. (Source: Medical Marketing and Media, January, 1974). Here are a few of my career highlights. I created and produced, for and in association with the American Medical Association, the first general news publication for physicians on audio cassette, which included advertising commercials. From 1970 to 1985, in association with the American Osteopathic Association, I produced, hosted and distributed a monthly medical educational program on audio cassette for all osteopathic physician members of the association, sponsored by numerous pharmaceutical companies. In association with Modern Medicine Publications, I devised, produced and hosted MEDICAL MONITOR, the first subscription medical abstract service on audio cassette. In radio, I created and/or produced and/or syndicated such programs as Robert St. John Reports (featuring Robert St. John), The Washington Report (featuring Senator Thomas Dodd and Rep. Walter Judd), The Last Angry Man (featuring NBC newsman Richard Applegate), and I was both host, producer and writer of Family Facts and Figures and a daily history feature, Moment of Destiny. I also was the creator, producer and co-writer of ACCENT, a nationally syndicated radio news feature service, featuring Quincy Howe, Edgar Ancel Mowrer, Henry Cassidy, John Lewis, Robert St. John and other noted newsmen of the sixties and seventies and I even did a short stint as a radio talk show host in the sixties on a suburban Chicago station. Unfortunately it was one that almost no one could hear!!!! Amomg other audio/visual products that I've either created or been a part of, I'm proud to have been the author/narrator of the children's coloring book/tape series, EDUCATIONAL ADVENTURES, which did well in the eighties and early nineties in national retail outlets and major catalogues. I'm not sure of all the places where they may be available now. There were a couple of web sites that were selling the entire series when I first put this site together, but they have since disappeared. There are some others such as this one and this one and this one but they each offer only a single issue of my many titles - but at least this last shows my name but only as the narrrator leaving out my role as writer and produceer of the entire series. If I find any that still feature the entire series, I'll provide the links here. I started out many years ago in television working alongside the likes of Bob Newhart and director Bill Friedkin but they went on to REAL careers while somehow, as you can tell, I went astray. At the moment, I'm well into social security age, SORT of retired, and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. HOME
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WHERE’S GEORGE WASHINGTON WHEN YOU NEED HIM?THE BRITISH ARMY I think it would be fair to refer to my childhood as strange or unusual. Actually, those a very mild term to describe some of the things that happened to me while I was trying to grow up, but there’s no need to recount them here. The specific details aren’t relevant to the subject matter of this book, except for one. In 1944 I was living in England and in December of that year, two months shy of my sixteenth birthday, I joined the British Army, originally as a "boy soldier," signing up for a 12 year hitch. Again, I won’t go into the details of why and how this came about, but I will tell you that it was a terrible mistake that I worked hard to rectify, and after three years and seventy seven days , I was successful. I got out! Then, 44 years later, I began to think about that experience and almost on a whim, wrote the following letter; Rt. Honorable Archibald Hamilton, M.P.,
Minister of State for the Armed Forces
Main Building, Whitehall
London S.W.1. A 2HB
England May 19, 1992
Sir:
From December 11, 1944 to February 25, 1948, I served in the Regular British Army, receiving an honorable discharge under Para 390 (XV1) KR’s 40, ceasing to fulfill army physical requirements.
I would appreciate knowing if there were any post service benefits of any kind to which I may have been and may still be entitled.
Cordially,
Jeff SmithI didn’t hold out too much hope for any kind of positive reply. Still, I think my heart quickened a little a few weeks later as I opened a letter from MINISTRY OF DEFENCE,
Empress State Building, London SW6 11R. Dear Mr. Smith:
Thank you for your letter of 19 May, which has been forwarded to this office for reply.
Under the Regulations in force at the time you were medically discharged from HM Forces a soldier was required to complete at least 12 years reckonable service for pension purposes from age 18 to qualify for an invaliding pension.
Unfortunately, you have insufficient service to satisfy this requirement and consequently you have no entitlement to such an award from Defence funds.
However, the Department of Social Security (DSS) administer a War Pensions Scheme for ex-service personnel who suffer from a disability which is either attributable to, or aggravated by military service. If you would like to make a claim for an award, I would advise you to contact the following address:
DSS
War Pensions
North Fylde Central Office
Norcross
Blackpool
FY5 3TA
I enclose a guide to war pensions and allowances which I hope you find of assistance.
Although you have no entitlement to a pension from Defence funds you should have received a War Gratuity in respect to your war-time service. The normal method of payment for War Gratuities was into a Post Office Saving Bank account opened specifically for the purpose. If you would like to follow the matter up you should contact the National Savings Bank, with details of your service ie Rank, Regt number, etc at the following address:-
The National Savings Bank
Boydstone Road
Cowglen
Glasgow G58 1SB
I hope this information is of assistance.
Yours Sincerely,
M.T. ArcherA couple of explanations before I go on. First about my army discharge. The discharge papers say "ceasing to fulfill army physical requirements." The truth is that I was befriended by a military doctor who sympathized with my dread of the years of service that loomed before me, and he wrote a report recommending that I be released from my twelve year obligation based upon my mental health. It was highly appreciated at the time but three years later it almost came back to haunt me. I was moving permanently from England to the United States when my discharge papers surfaced and I had to prove to U.S. authorities that I wasn’t nuts. Somehow I managed to convince them and here I am, 50 years later. The second item that needs to be clarified here is that all of the letters from British authorities are reproduced exactly as they were written, so if you find yourself wincing at the strange grammar, punctuation and spelling, it’s all the fault of the British military. Still, the reference to a possible Savings Account in my name somewhere intrigued me. After all, 44 years had passed and even if the original deposit was minuscule, with compound interest… well who knows what fortune might await??…. So: The National Savings Bank
Boydstone Road
Cowglen
Glasgow G58 1SB
Scotland June 25, 1992
Gentlemen:
Enclosed is a copy of a letter from the Ministry of Defence responding to an inquiry from me regarding benefits that might have been available to me at the time of my discharge from the Regular Army on February 25, 1948.
Also enclosed are Xerox copies of pages from my Certificate of Service.
At the time of my discharge, I was not aware of any War Gratuity to which I may have been entitled and certainly I was not informed of any Post Office Savings Bank account opened in my name.
If the Ministry of Defence is correct , such an account should exist in my name, with details as follows:
Name: Jeff Smith Service #: xxxxxxxx Rank: Pte. Service Dates: December 11, 1944 to February 25, 1948. Corps: R.A.O.C.
I would appreciate learning of the status of such an account if you are able to find it, and if not, please tell me how to go about availing myself of this benefit to which I have apparently been entitled for the last 44 years!
Cordially,
Jeff SmithAnd back came a response from NATIONAL SAVINGS in far off Glasgow, Scotland. 4 August 1992
Dear Mr. Smith
Thank you for your recent letter regarding War Gratuities.
The circumstances of payment was that those who left the Army between 8 May 1945 and 31 December 1947 normally had monies due to them in respect of War Gratuities or Post Office War Credits paid in a Post Office Savings Bank Account paid specifically for this purpose.
Those who continued to serve after 31 December 1947 would have had all such sums due paid through their Army pay accounts.
I hope you find this information useful.
Yours Sincerely
J OswaldAgain a reminder that these letters are reproduced exactly as originally written. I am not responsible for the fact that there is no punctuation in this letter other than four periods - one at the end of each paragraph!! And note that both M T Archer and J Oswald are "yours sincerely." Was a pattern beginning to emerge at such an early stage of a behemoth battle??? I decided to tackle them both at the same time, thinking that maybe the best strategy would be an attack on all fronts. After all, my opponent was the army and the initial skirmishes sure looked like the opening shots in a war. So… J. Oswald
National Savings Bank
Glasgow G58 1SB
Scotland Your ref: 43RMI/553/92
August 12, 1992
Dear Mr. Oswald:
I hope the salutation is correct. "J" is not particularly indicative of gender.
I thank you for your letter of August 4, 1992, though I find the information you supplied more frustrating than useful, as my letter to the Ministry of Defence (copy enclosed) indicates.
I think I may well have been "on the cusp" with respect to my date of service termination and may never have received any war gratuity. On the other hand, the amount may have been so small, I may have received it as part of my army pay without realizing it.
The army pay records should tell the story.
Meanwhile, while your letter implies that no National Savings account exists in my name, you did not say that one was not found. Was it looked for? Would an account that has been inactive for 44 years still exist? What is the National Savings policy regarding inactive accounts?
Perhaps you could answer these questions while I pursue the uncovering of this mystery with the defence department.
Cordially,
Jeff Smith
CC: M.T. ArcherAnd on the same date…. M.T. Archer
Room 838
Ministry of Defence
Empress State Building
London SW6 1TR 8 August 12, 1992
Dear Mr. Archer:
Enclosed is a copy of a letter received from the National Savings Bank in response to my inquiry about a war gratuity you described to me in your letter of June 12, 1992, and my response to National Savings.
Also enclosed is a copy of my discharge certificate which may have some relevance in this matter,
National Savings did not say that I do not have an account in my name - only that war gratuities were paid through army pay accounts for people who served after December 31, 1947.
My official end of service was February 25, 1948, but I was actually released from service long before this date - very likely in calendar year 1947. Even my discharge certificate was signed on January 2, 1948.
Frankly, I do not recall receiving any "war gratuities" in the way of regular army pay. Indeed, I may not have received any monies from the army in 1948. My final payments may well have been in 1947.
I think the only way to resolve this is to request a copy of my pay records for the appropriate period, say for the month of December, 1947 and any pay records that may exist for any subsequent period of time. I would also like to know what the formula was for calculating such gratuities - that is, what would my gratuity have been for my rank and service dates?
For your information, the details of my service were as follows: Rank - Private; Service Number xxxxxxxx; Corps - R.A.O.C ; Service Dates - December 11, 1944 to February 25, 1948.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Cordially,
Jeff Smith
CC: J. Oswald
National Savings BankIt took two months for the National Savings Bank to send me the expected disappointing four line response, again without any punctuation other than paragraph ending periods!! 12th October 1992
Dear Mr. Smith
Thank you for your letter of 12 August 1992.
Despite further extensive searches no account in your name can be found.
I am sorry I am unable to help you.
Yours Sincerely
J OswaldOn the other hand, the Ministry of Defence responded in six days… 18 August 1992
Dear Mr. Smith,
Thank you for your recent letter concerning your war gratuity.
Unfortunately at this late stage we are unable to validate your claim. In accordance with normal practice your pay documents were destroyed 7 years after the end of your service. There is, therefore, no way of checking what pay or gratuity you were entitled to and what you actually received. I can assure you, however, that before they were destroyed your records would have been carefully checked for any outstanding credits or debits.
I am sorry to send such a disappointing reply.
Yours Sincerely,
J. A. Kimsey (Miss)At least Miss Kinsey used a few commas, though all in the wrong places. Actually, the signature was an unreadable scrawl, but at the top of the letter was typed "from Miss J A Kinsey, Adjutant General Secretariat 2." And while I have great respect for the gentle sex, the letter from this lady made me mad and I replied accordingly: Miss J.A. Kinsey
Adjutant General Secretariat 2
Ministry of Defence
Empress State Building
London SW6 1TR
England
Dear Miss Kinsey:
Your letter of August 14 was indeed a disappointing reply to my pursuit of an elusive 44 or 45 year old war gratuity.
I am very disturbed at the assertion that you are unable to validate my claim because the records no longer exist - and bemused by your assurance would have been "very carefully checked for any outstanding credits or debits" before being destroyed.
Seven years after the end of 1947, when you say my pay records were destroyed, I was living in the U.S. No army authority could possibly have known where I was and thus could not have informed me of any credit due. If an outstanding credit HAD been found, or a record found of a payment to the National Savings Bank, what would have happened to it? Would another record have been made? Would that record also no longer exist?
To recap, I returned to England from Hamburg on December 3, 1947, having already been granted a medical discharge. Although my records show an official "end of service" date of February 25, 1948, I was released to civilian life shortly after returning to England, and while I may have been paid for army service through February 25, 1948, I am almost certain that pay would have been issued to me before January 1, 1948, even though the date on my discharge certificate is shown as January 2, 1948.
According to the National Savings Bank, any war gratuities due a serviceman who was discharged through December 31, 1947 would have been paid into a savings bank account. For discharges after that date, war gratuities would have been paid through the normal pay process - presumably as part of pay received after January 1, 1948. I certainly wasn’t handed a savings bank account book - and as I’ve stated in previous correspondence, I don’t recall receiving anything resembling a special gratuity, and I don’t recall receiving any army pay at all in 1948.
Let me try to explain why I am pursuing this with such persistence and why I am writing yet another letter to the Defence Ministry despite your letter saying nothing can be done.
When I inquired earlier this year about possible benefits arising from my army service, it was almost on a whim. However, I became quite angry when I learned that apart from being entitled to war gratuities which may or may not have been paid into a bank account on my behalf, I could have applied for some sort of medical pension or lump sum benefit at the time of my discharge. I was a disturbed and homeless young man when the army was through with me. I could have used some help. It did not occur to me for a moment in 1947 to ASK if there were any post service benefits to which I might have been entitled, and as I’ve already pointed out, no army official ever volunteered such information. Despite your assurance that the army would have "carefully checked for anything that may have been due me," the fact that I am only NOW learning of benefits that might have been due me 44 years ago, leads me to a somewhat different conclusion. Frankly, I conclude that not providing me with information about potential benefits at the time of my discharge was at best an act of gross negligence, and now citing the passage of time and the absence of records as a reason for not being able to do anything about one of those benefits that may never have been received by me, compounds the negligence.
I have now applied to the Department of Social Security for a possible medical pension or lump sum payment based on my army acquired or aggravated medical condition, though I don’t hold out much hope for a positive response. If pay records are gone, I doubt that medical records would still exist. How convenient for the Ministry of Defence. How inconvenient for me.
But I don’t plan to give up just yet. We have advocacy groups in the United States that work on behalf of ex-servicemen. May I ask if such groups exist in the U.K. or if there are any avenues of appeal open to me that you are aware of regarding the possible non-payment of war gratuities due? For example, can an appeal be made to someone up the ladder at the Ministry of Defence - or perhaps to an M.P?
I look forward to receiving a reply to this question. In the meantime, I will continue to pursue this matter in any other way that I can.
Cordially,
Jeff Smith Maybe my plea wasn’t very subtle, but still I thought it might strike a sympathetic cord somewhere and maybe someone at that oddly spelled ministry would take pity on me and authorize some kind of token payment, and I would have been happy. It was more a matter of principle than money. I just wanted someone to say - you know, you’re right. Maybe we goofed and you should have been fully informed and maybe we owe you a buck or two and how about we send you X dollars and we’ll call it even. In your dreams Smith J (army spelling). This wasn’t just Behemoth. This was the British military. The British GOVERNMENT for heaven’s sakes. Can you get more bureaucratic than that? 12 October, 1992
Dear Mr. Smith:
Thank you for your letter of 28 August in reply to Miss Kinney’s letter of 18 August.
Firstly I should explain that your service records still exist. The records that have been destroyed are your pay records, which contained the information which we would require to validate your claim. I am sure that you will appreciate that without this documentary evidence there is nothing that we can do to prove your claim that you did not receive your War Gratuity.
You claim that you were unaware of any post-service benefits that you may have been entitled to in 1947. All these benefits were given wide publicity at the time. It might reasonably be expected, therefore, that you would have seen some of the information regarding your entitlement. For this reason, I cannot accept your statement that the Army somehow acted in a "grossly negligent" manner in not informing you of your rights. The information was available to you.
You might consider contacting the Royal British Legion for advice, but I should say that you are now in possession of all the facts concerning our inability to process your claim, and an approach through the RBL will only result in the same answer, that we no longer have the information to deal with your claim.
I hope this letter clarifies the position for you.
Your Sincerely.
J C KiteBy the time I finished reading this last letter, I had reached a few conclusions about the Ministry of "Defence." Everyone there except Miss Kinsey was gender neutral. These people were trained to sign their names with initials only, leaving the poor recipients to guess whether the writer was male, female or something in between. There also seemed to be a single person at the Ministry whose job it was to type all outgoing letters and who had almost no familiarity with the English language and absolutely no knowledge of the rules of punctuation. Depending on what the weather was on a particular day, or perhaps what the typist had for breakfast, outgoing letters would contain more or less numbers of commas, periods, quotation marks and other items of punctuation, but whatever the number they would always be randomly scattered throughout the narrative. And I also became fully aware that I wasn’t going to win any argument with this particular behemoth. But still, I couldn’t let that last letter go unanswered, could I??? October 20, 1992
Dear J.C. Kite:
I cannot say that I am surprised at the content of your letter of October 12.
It certainly clarifies the obvious. You are the bureaucracy. You deny that my claim has any validity. You make it very clear that there is no appeal. Case closed.
Nonetheless, I am compelled to make further comment in response to the illogic of your conclusions. I assert very strongly that I did not receive any such thing as a wart gratuity but I am willing to abide by whatever documentary evidence exists. (See my letter to M.T. Archer dated August 12, 1992). You say that you cannot validate this claim without documentary evidence and you’ve destroyed the only evidence that ever existed and so there is nothing you can do. My goodness J.C. Kite. What if other branches of government conducted themselves in this way? I might not even be able to prove my birth! Sorry Mr. Smith. All those records were destroyed in 1935. Therefore we cannot validate your assertion that you are alive.
You go on to say that the army wasn’t grossly negligent because there was publicity about war gratuities and notices in post offices. PUBLICITY??? Is that how people were supposed to know about service benefits due them in 1947 and 1948? Following that line of logic, I could give money to a beggar in the street and then be arrested for aiding and abetting a criminal because his picture is on a "wanted" poster in the post office, or the story of his crimes had been reported in the papers.
When and how is the official notification of such benefits conveyed to one about to leave the service? In what chapter and verse in published army literature is the method of notification described? Where are copies of the document or documents that were used to advice servicemen and ex-servicemen of these benefits?
I have a brother who is five years my senior who still lives in England and who served in world war two in Europe and the far east. He was discharged after the war - certainly WAY before the end of 1947. He received NO war gratuities that he can recall. He has never HEARD of war gratuities. And he’s in touch. He’s been going up to London for an ex-servicemen’s parade for 46 years.
As a matter of curiosity, I will explore this wide publicity that you say existed in 1947. I presume it was also well publicized in Germany, which is where I was stationed at the time. Perhaps I will ask one of England’s inquiring newspapers about such publicity and also what they think of this whole affair. Obviously I won’t contact the Royal British Legion. You’ve already told me what answer you would give to them.
I may never be able to get any war gratuities from my former country, but perhaps I can stir up some interest in shining the light of publicity on the way the Ministry of Defence handles the records of those who served their country and how it conveyed information to them, about benefits to which they may have been entitled.
Cordially,
Jeff SmithI really wasn’t expecting a reply, but it came anyway, confirming other conclusions that I had reached by this point in the exchange of correspondence. The people at the Ministry of Defence had no sense of humor and they were heartless bastards to boot! 30 October 1992
Dear Mr. Smith:
Thank you for your further letter concerning your claim that you did not receive a war gratuity payment for your service during World War 2.
War Gratuity payments were authorized by a Royal Warrant which was published under the reference Army Order 2/1946 (30/General A/156). This Warrant would have been available to all members of the Army.
As has been explained to you on previous occasions your discharge date meant you did not have to apply for your gratuity. It would have been paid to you automatically along with your Army pay at the time of your discharge.
With regards to your comments concerning the handling of your pay documents, I should explain that Army pay records are dealt with in exactly the same way as all other forms of financial records. There is no legal requirement for records of this type to be held for more than seven years, as after the expiry of this period all claims become null and void. This is not only true for the Armed Services, but is equally true of all financial transactions.
I have to tell you that there is nothing further that I can usefully say on the subject.
Yours Sincerely,So polite, these English. Even while telling me to get lost, they kept on insisting that they were my "sincerely." It was obvious that J.C. Kite and his ilk had nothing to do with actual military operations or World War 11 could have had a totally different outcome. On the other hand, he would probably be considered an inspirational genius by today’s Enrons and Arthur Andersons. To all intents and purposes, the Kite person’s last letter brought this particular losing Behemoth Battle to an end. Still.. I was curious about one thing…. December 22, 1982
Dear J.C:
Actually, despite the closing line of your October 30, 1992 letter, there is something that you may be able to "usefully say" with regard to my lost war gratuity payment.
Obviously my last army pay was for several weeks of service, and if there was an amount included that was a war gratuity, it may not have been large enough to be noticed. I would certainly have noticed and remembered anything substantial.
Therefore, as I continued to work on this mystery, it would be useful for me to know what the amount of the gratuity would have been, given my time of service and my rank, all of which information you have in previous correspondence.
Please excuse the informal salutation. J.C. really doesn’t convey much about gender.
Cordially,I figured as long as J.C. Kite and his colleagues wanted to be "sincere" in signing their letters, I could remain "cordial." But I never heard back from the Kite person, despite a follow up letter in April, 1993. I did carry on correspondence though, moving from agency to agency until I finally quit in May, 1994. There were a lot more letters, but I’m adding only one that sums up the sadly comical conclusion of this sorry affair. It is from the ARMY PENSIONS OFFICE Room 4198 Kentigern House 65 Brown Street Glasgow G2 8EX 14 April 1994
Dear Mr. Smith:
Thank you for your letter dated 24 February relating to a claim for a war gratuity.
Your original correspondence was forwarded to me from DSS to try and answer your claim for a gratuity although I have little to add which will be of any help to you.
Firstly I must point out that this office is not resourced to carry out searches into records of service to try to establish whether or not a payment is to be made. Our function is to assess pensions and gratuities on the basis of paperwork forwarded from the Manning and Records offices.
I did however do some research on your case and managed to obtain your service details from our repository at Hayes. There is very little additional information in your file other than you were discharged under Para 390(xvi) of the King’s Regulations 1940. On reading the relevant Para in relation to your case, you would have been eligible for the sum of œ1 (to be paid into your pay account) on the day you were discharged from hospital.
The article also stated that the payment of œ1 would only be made once any debits on the pay account had been cleared.
Your total service was 3 years 77 days of which only 364 days were reckonable toward pension (as you were under 18). At that time anyone medically discharged could claim pension if they had 5 years reckonable service. Unfortunately you would not have qualified.
I have been unable to find any regulation which states you are due a gratuity for your length of service although again anyone with 5 years reckonable service could qualify.
I apologize for the disappointing reply and can only confirm that I can be of no further assistance to you.
Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. H Dimmer
For Officer in ChargeSo after all this time, here was someone, not only revealing her sex but telling me how much I WOULD have received for my war gratuity - a grand total of one pound sterling, provided of course that I didn’t owe the army that much or more. I’m not sure how much faith could be put in the accuracy of Mrs. Dimmer’s information because I was never able to find out if paragraph 390 of Kings Regulations actually had anything to do with war gratuities. It might have been some other kind of bonus payment, because she also said that there was no way I could ever get any kind of army pension, and some time later I was granted a token UK army disability pension which I receive to this very day. But even if she was confused about which regulation applied to war gratuities, the one pound mentioned by her probably wasn’t far off the mark because my pay scale at the time of my discharge could be counted in pennies!!! So assuming the amount was correct and assuming it was deposited in a post office account somewhere and left untouched for 44 years, here’s what would have happened. The pound in 1948 had a fixed dollar exchange rate of $4.30. Assuming an average of 7% interest compounded for 44 years, my lost fortune, had I been able to collect it, would have been $84!!!! But it was still worth the battle. If you don’t throw down the gauntlet to Behemoths, they win by default and if we let that happen we might as well follow the advice on what to do in the event of a nuclear attack which you can find posted on many a wall around the world. And that of course is to PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS AND KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE. HOME
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FOOD & WINEAMERICAN EXPRESS PUBLISHING The following was originally written in 1985 A few years ago, my wife got an intriguing letter from American Express. It told her that she had very likely won the right to charge a huge amount of money on her American Express card without ever having to pay the bill. Well, it didn’t exactly say "very likely" but it was so darned positive, that was the impression we got. We had to do something in return for this opportunity, but it was no big deal. All we had to do was renew our Food and Wine magazine subscription by charging it to American Express. My wife loves Food and Wine. She’s been taking it for years. She usually renews by sending a check, but this was too great an opportunity to pass up. There was a renewal form with the letter, so she filled it out and sent it in. I should pause to explain that my wife doesn’t have an American Express card, but I have one and since the renewal form didn’t ask for any card number, we assumed that one of two things would happen. Either they would charge the renewal to my card, or they would issue an additional card in her name. In either event, we would have a chance at winning some big money. A very GOOD chance. Anyway, after we sent in the form, we got pretty busy. My wife got her annual letter from Ed McMahon and of course she responded immediately. I mean, I don’t care how much you’ve got, you don’t pass up a fast ten million. Then there was the other publisher that’s been offering to send us money for years and the usual car and microwave giveaways. We almost forgot about American Express until the envelope arrived from Food and Wine. You can imagine how the fingers trembled as we opened it up, only to discover, to our horror, that it was a bill for seventeen bucks!! We figured that this had to be some kind of glitch . After all, we were Food and Wine subscribers and they usually bill us this way. But this time we were renewing to win big bucks from American Express. Obviously there had been some sort of foul up and the American Express charge had yet to reach the F&W billing department. So we tossed the bill aside and more or less forgot about it. Besides which, it was such a busy season that there was really no time to pay attention to billing glitches. Reader’s Digest had some big money for us. Ed wrote again. (imagine, a big star like that writing us PERSONAL letters), there were more cars that we had probably won and several exciting vacation trips to consider. Even a second bill from Food and Wine went by almost unnoticed, but when a nasty DEMAND for money arrived, it dawned on us that we were not dealing with a glitch at all but a full blown BEHEMOTH attack, calling the only remedial response available to a member of the great unwashed. We had to write a LETTER. Mr. James D. Robinson
Chairman of the Board
American Express Company
American Express Plaza
New York, NY 10022
Dear Mr. Robinson:
As an observer of the American business scene, I am truly impressed at the number of companies that have adopted the word "excellence" in an act of unselfish joint parenthood.
What a noble act. And what a word! Authors use it in book titles and are virtually assured of a best seller. Ad agencies use it in their copy and clients stand in line to renew their contracts. CEO’s use it at annual meetings and become instant folk heroes to their stockholders.
It is truly a wonderful word. One day I might write a book about it. If I do, at least one section would have to be devoted to American Express - and one chapter would surely relate the following tale of invention spawned of excellence.
My wife loves Food & Wine magazine. She wouldn’t dream of letting her subscription lapse.
Imagine her joy then, when she received notice of a sweepstakes as an inducement to renew her subscription. What excellence! Fabulous prizes. Instant wealth. The good life within her grasp. Just for renewing her F&W subscription and charging it to her American Express card.
There was a brief moment of hesitation, since my wife doesn’t have an American Express card. But the offer implied that she most certainly did, so we assumed she was being issued one automatically as a further inducement to renew F&W. What excellence! So she fills out the sweepstakes entry and renewal form, mails it in and sits back to wait for a congratulatory telegram or breathless ‘phone call.
Instead, she begins to receive requests for money. No acknowledgment of her sweepstakes entry and renewal of her F&W subscription. Just bills for seventeen bucks and "why haven’t you answered our previous letters?"
Naturally, she is confused. She knows that American Express is an excellent company but she is receiving correspondence from TWO companies using the same name. One is obviously an impostor. But is it the one offering the chance to win fabulous prizes or the one that just wants seventeen bucks?
For a while, I share her confusion. Then comprehension dawns. In its quest for even higher levels of excellence, the American Express company has begun to REPRODUCE itself. There are now MULTIPLE American Express companies offering similar but competing services - and the consumer can choose the American Express company best suited to his or her needs. (After all, fabulous prizes are a total turn off for some people). I assure her that her F&W subscription is not in jeopardy.
My wife is a suspicious type though. You see, she’s from Kansas, which isn’t far from Missouri, and she insists that I write to you for confirmation of the obvious.
Sorry about that, but I’m sure you know how Kansas women are.
As long as I’m writing, I do want to take this opportunity to thank you for letting us know about the "loseability" of American Express traveler’s checks. Without this wonderfully excellent public service campaign, I might have taken some along on my last trip abroad and wasted half my vacation time getting refunds from your branch offices and automatic refund machines. (And with multiple American Expresses, this could have taken MORE than half of my vacation time).
And to think that my wife insists that I write this letter because she has reservations about your brand of excellence
I’m looking forward to your response confirming that she is entered in the fabulous sweepstakes offered by one of the American Express companies, that her Food & Wine subscription has been renewed by either the sweepstakes company or the send me seventeen bucks company, and if by the former, that she is a big winner.
Yours etc…We never did hear from Mr. Robinson and we never got to find out which American Express he headed up, and there was never a response to our blatant critique of the commercials they were running at the time, with Karl Malden scaring us to death about the dangers of traveling abroad with or without American Express traveler’s checks. But we did hear from a Food & Wine executive who appeared to be working for BOTH companies. Dear Mr. Smith:
This letter is in response to your letter dated August 30th and addressed to James D. Robinson 111, Chairman of the Board and CEO of American Express Company. Mr. Robinson has directed this letter to our department for handling and response to your query.
It was our responsibility to see to it that your wife received a renewal notice for her subscription to Food & Wine. Unfortunately, an error on our part caused her to be sent a sweepstakes renewal piece designed for American Express Cardmembers; therefore, she was led to believe that she could renew her subscription, enter the sweepstakes, and be issued an American Express card. She did renew, and when our computers could not find her as a previous American Express Cardmember it instead began direct billing her for her subscription. Thus the confusion.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith, we apologize for the error which has caused you so much frustration and we would like to let you know at this time that Mrs. Smith’s name has been entered into our $250,000 Charge Free For Life 1V Sweepstakes. Also, to compensate for all the difficulties you have had to endure in securing your renewal to Food & Wine magazine, we are authorizing your present subscription to be sent to you free of charge. We trust that these steps will resolve the matter, but should there arise any further questions, please feel free to contact me again at any time,
Sincerely,
Michael Roth
CirculationNow what can you say about an outcome like this? You’d think for the story to have a true happy ending, my wife would have been the big winner of the Charge For Life Sweepstakes, but no such luck. Still, I guess it’s a "win" because we didn’t have to sent Food & Wine seventeen bucks. But don’t you just wish that the suits who work for the BEHEMOTHS would be allowed to show just a hint of a sense of humor? Here’s a case where I was obviously NOT being serious about some of the things I was saying and yet they took them all seriously. And to think that sometimes, big time executives from major corporations are tapped for important government jobs. Secretary of State. Or Defense. Scary, isn’t it? HOME
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